Your Version Of Forever
by Completely Dipendente
Summary: Jacob dies of Cancer, breaking Bella's heart. 12 Letters, designed to help her through the next year. Will it work, or will it only stop Bella from Healing? Please Review. Based loosly on PS, I Love You
1. Prologue

_**Jacob dies of Cancer, breaking Bella's heart. 12 Letters, designed to help her through the next year. Will it work, or will it only stop Bella from Healing?  
**_**Hope you like this, I'm guessing there will be 100's of questions, so review me them, and I will answer as many as possible.**

I sighed and, despite the sombre circumstances, Jake laughed; a humourless chuckle.

'Jake, is there really nothing I can do? Anything, Jacob, I'm sorry...' My words were cut off by another loud, tearless sob escaping my lips. I shook my head and leaned into his broad shoulders.

'Jeez, Bella, calm down. I need you to do one thing for me, smile. Just one last time.' I looked at him like he was crazy. Smile? Now, when my still heart is shattering into thousands of tiny pieces? He must be joking. 'Please Bella, don't be sad for me. Fate, that's how I see it, I finally imprint and find the love of my life, only to be told I'm dying. And we thought werewolves couldn't be affected by silly little things like _Cancer_...' He spat the word out like it burned his tongue.

'Please, Jacob, let me fix this. I can change you, it might save your life and...'

He laughed loudly, yet humourlessly again and pulled my face round to look at his 'Isabella Marie Cullen, you listen to me now, I'm dying. End of. Nothing you can do can save me, just be happy Bella, look after my Nessie with all your might, love her like I have, tell her about me, explain how she made my world tick. Look after yourself, smile, and smile often. Don't let my memory haunt you, stay strong Bells. Please, for me. Let the little things make you happy. Keep in touch with reality, Bells, even when it seems hard. Remember, I'm always here' he said, placing his hand over my unbeating heart 'And most importantly, remember, I love you, Bella.'

And that was the last I heard of Jacob Black...

******

'I miss you Jacob, you big Wolfy fool. Every frigging day. Nessie misses you too, you know. She may not realise it, but I think she needed you, nearly as much as you needed her.' I smiled to myself as memories of happier times came flooding back, and I dropped my bunch of flowers on his grave. 16.01.07. The death of Jacob Black. A day that would stay burned into my mind, a day that brings nightmares when I'm not sleeping. A day that changed my life.

I turned on my heel and bumped, quite literally, into Leah. That same, heartbroken look etched on her face, she held out a crumpled envelope.

'He asked me to give you this. There's 12 of them, don't know why there is 12, but there is. I hope they help, Bella. I hope they help heal wounds...' She thrust the inoffensive little envelope at me and I backed away. 'Take it Bells, please.' I took it from her gingerly and turned to leave. And my heart broke all over again, that messy scrawl on the envelope.

**Bella.**

My own name, yet it hurt in more ways than I thought possible.

**Ok, so this story, I'm hoping, is going to be a bit of a tear jerker. It's based on the book/film _PS, I love you. _Please Review. Emily xxx**


	2. Chapter 1

**Wow!! I got 9 Reviews, just for the prologue!! Thank you! I'm glad I managed to stir some emotion in some of you too =) Ok, so Jakes letter to Bella is in bold. I know they are small chapters but I wanted to keep it short, otherwise I tend to babble on a bit lol. Please keep reviewing it makes me soooooo Happy =D**

I took the letter in my shaking hands and opened it; ready for the onslaught of pain I was sure to feel. He's written me a letter. My Jacob. My Jacob, who I will never see again. I unfolded the letter but didn't dare look at it; instead I looked at the back of the page, taking it all in. He cared about me enough to write me a letter, and I was too cowardly to read it. I sniffed the letter, trying to inhale some of Jacob's scent, no matter how potent it was to me now, but it didn't work, I rested my eyes on a large spot on the back of the page, a dark blotch on the white paper. A drop, of water maybe? Or a tear. A tear Jacob had shed for me, but I couldn't shed back. That was something that really cut me up inside, I couldn't shed a tear for his loss, all this sadness is bottled up inside me. I turned the letter over, slowly and began to read…

**Hey Bella,**  
**How long has it been? If Leah is doing this Shit like I told her to, it will have been about a month.**  
**How're you holding out? Well, I hope. Remember what I told you, Bella. I meant every word. Here's something to keep you occupied; Smile. Think about it, when was the last time you smiled. Was it recent? **  
**Do you think about me? Does it make you sad? I hope not, Bella. If I remember rightly, I was only really sad when you were sad. **  
**How is your family? Is everyone missing me? Stupid bloodsuckers had better be taking good care of you.**  
**Tell my Pack I love them, tell Leah she will make a perfect Alpha, and I'm watching down on her.**  
**Tell yourself Bella, read this and tell yourself how happy you made me. You are truly amazing; you changed me for the better. I miss you so much, and, from my spot here in the sky, I'm watching you. You may not need me any more, but I need you to know I'm here. You can talk to me, tell me everything, I want to hear it. If you're reading this Bella, I need you to know, for every tear you've shed over the years, each tear you've **_**wanted**_** to cry since I've died, my heart has broken, just a fraction more each time. Keep strong Bella, for my Nessie, if nothing else, don't show her you're breaking, don't show her you're sad. Give her a kiss from me and tell her, her Jacob loves her more than she will ever know. Tell her everyday, that she made me happier than I ever thought possible and tell her, her smile lit my world.**  
**I miss her. I miss you. I miss my girls.**

**I love you Bella, forever.**  
**Your version of forever, not mine**  
**Jake**  
**x**

I smiled, tentatively to myself; despite everything, he was still worrying about me. I turned to Leah and tried to smile, tried to show him I was going to do this, for him. She was knelt by his grave, silently, staring intently at the ground, at the spot where he was buried.  
'It's going to be hard, isn't it?' I said, quietly, showing her the letter. She lifted her head to look at me, and smiled. She's doing better than me, anyway, at holding it all together. She, too, held the letter to her heart once she'd finished reading it. A lone tear rolled down her face and she wiped it away angrily.  
'He didn't want me to cry.' She said, more to herself than to me. 'Do you...' she held out the letter, not bothering to finish her sentence. I nodded, feeling terrible for taking it off her.  
I turned to leave again. Once I reached my car, I was sobbing silently again. I sat on the leather seat, curling my legs up to my chest, re-reading the letter and trying to muster up the energy to smile again. It felt so false.  
I drove home in silence, thinking of all the "what ifs".  
What if I could have saved him?  
What if we found out about it quicker?  
What if Nessie doesn't remember him in a couple of years?  
His Nessie. Does she even remember him? It's been a month now, enough time to forget. Not that I ever will.  
When I pulled into the Cullen driveway, I could see Edward standing at the door, waiting for me. I got out, clutching the letter to my heart again, hopelessly. Edward held his arms out in silence and I ran to him, desperate to feel him close. Closer than my Jacob would ever be now. My body convulsed with silent sobs, shaking me violently, draining me. 'He wrote a letter. 12 letters. For me' I said, reluctantly handing my now crumpled letter to Edward. He scanned through it in silence, only turning to look at me once he'd finished.  
'He asked you to do something for him Bella. Smile. That's all he wants, he doesn't want the tears, or the heartbreak. Do you think this is what he pictured when he was writing this letter? You _trying_ to cry? Please Bella, do this for Jacob.' Edward soothed, rubbing his hand up and down my arm lovingly. 'Do it for Jacob....'

******

I lay Nessie down in her small bed and brushed her beautiful long curls out of her eyes. 'Goodnight Nessie, I Love you. Your Jake loves you, as much now as he did then. Sleep, precious girl, sleep and dream.' I gently kissed her on the head before going to turn out the light. I sighed; everyday these past few weeks, I'd been honouring my promise to Jacob. I smiled more, at least I tried anyway, and I told Nessie often all about her Jake. Silly stories about good time's we had spent, I showed her pictures and most importantly I told her how much he adored her. I flicked out the light and whispered into the darkness; 'He loved you more than you'll ever understand Nessie.' I mooched down the stairs, and into the front room and I smiled again, trying not to crack, trying to hold a smile in place despite the fissures in my heart splitting again.  
Jasper knew I was trying; yet he chose to keep quiet. I've gotten a lot closer to Jasper over this past month and a half. He knows how much I'm hurting. But he also knows how much _my _pain affects everyone else. Not long after I received the first letter Jasper and I struck up an agreement. An agreement that I would let myself heal, that I would give myself more of a chance to grieve before I tried smiling again; it was cutting Jasper up just as much as it was me, and it's not fair for me to spread my hurt around. In return for me letting myself grieve a bit more, Jasper wouldn't tell Edward, or Alice or Esme, or anyone else, that I was upset. It works for us both.  
Hell, it's not as if I'm never happy, though!! Far from it. Seeing Nessie's smile, spending time with Edward, talking with Alice; all happy things. But it's like that dripping water, the same drip I felt when I "lost" Jake the first time, only this time it's for real.  
_Jake, Jake, Jake, Gone, Gone, forever..._  
The littlest thing, like telling Nessie about him, like visiting Billy or even Charlie, little things, yet they are enough to tear me up.

I sat down on the love seat next to Edward, and flashed him a smile, a real, unforced smile. Something I found so natural around Edward. 'How long is it until the next letter?' he said, nuzzling his lips against my jaw line.  
I took a sharp intake of breath at the question and Edward pulled away to look at me 'I am so sorry, what an insensitive thing for me to say, I'm-' I held my hand up to silence him, and smiled again, albeit slightly more forced this time,  
'Edward, it's Ok, we can't go around not mentioning him, it's about another week if Leah sticks to it properly.' Edward looked at me like I'd gone mad, and then hugged me close with such power all the air came gushing out of my lungs. A hug, which very much reminded me of Jacob...

**I was going to make this longer, but decided against it, don't know why, I just liked ending it there =). Please review; every single one makes my day/week/month/year!! And Thank-you to my A-M-A-ZING Beta OhMyEdward472, she's the best =) Emily xxx**

**Note from OhMyEdward472: Awww! Isn't she awesome? It's easy to be a great Beta when it's such a great story! So go on...review! She deserves it. =D**


	3. Chapter 2

**Ok, good song for this chapter was suggested by a fabulous reviewer: Sprinkledwithtwilight. Tied Together With a Smile by Taylor Swift. It makes the chapters doubly sad =P**

It was seeing him like this that hurt me most. I sat down next to him, and brushed his knotted hair out of his face. He wasn't cold, but his lips were blue and he was shaking. My Jacob, the protector, shaking like a leaf in the breeze. My still heart broke another thousand times. He was sleeping; a drip attached into his arm and a million wires coming out at all different angle, His breathing was labored and heavy and under his eyes were huge dark circles, symbolizing the many sleepless nights spent writhing in pain.

I shook my head fiercely; it is memories like these that are going to stop me from healing.It is memories like these that stop me from getting on with things. It is memories like these that let me dishonor my promise to Jacob.

The next letter is meant to be here today, but Leah hasn't brought it. Maybe she is waiting for me to go and visit her, maybe she doesn't want to come here, what with all the vampires. A trip to La Push wouldn't be a problem as such. I would just rather not. Too many memories. Like salt in a fresh wound, I think it would do more harm than good.

Nothing is making a lot of sense right now. I function, I go through all the necessary motions, yet nothing is really going in. A strange sense of Deja Vu overwhelmed me; this feeling of not feeling is not too unlike from the grief I felt when Edward left. Like an eclipse, my own personal sun was gone.

This is not how Jake wanted me to be. I don't honestly think he wrote the letters meaning for me to be anxious and irritable like this. I'm going to see Leah; I need to get that letter. My legs feel like lead, I want to go, I really do, but I know that it will only get to me again, and I don't know whether I'm ready for another heartbreak just yet. But am I ready to carry on as I am? Waiting. I've done too much waiting. I need to go. Is this how Jake meant it to be? Me, arguing with myself, not knowing where I stand, and what I should do? How did he mean for the letters to make me? Happy? He can't possibly have thought I would be smiling. Sad? Would Jacob ever have purposely made me upset? I doubt it. Why did he write them? Because he knows me so well, he knew I wouldn't be ready to let go, he knew I would want a little piece of him, after he had gone. He knew me, better than I know myself. Where is the sense in that…

*******

**Hey Bells,**

**2 months? And I hope to God you are staying strong, Missy! How did you get on with the smiling, Bella? I hope it helped, and I bet people around you felt the effect. You made 2 promises to me; Smile more, and, most importantly, tell Nessie about me. How about another promise? No apologizing, no more sorrys over stuff out of your control, Bella. Not one sorry until the next letter. All you've done since I got ill is say sorry, and, I hope, that now I've gone, you've realized sorry is such a useless word. What does sorry fix, really?**

**Can I tell you something Bella? I want to tell you something Bella, and I hope it won't hurt you, because that's the last thing I want to do but…You're killing me, Bella; you sit there, day in, day out, caring for me, being nice to me, helping me through all this. Yet you're not really doing **_**anything**_**, Bella, and, truth be told, there's nothing you can do. So why bother? Why even try and make little old me happy? Because (and I hope I'm not wrong in saying this) Bella, you need me, I needed you. Like I (not so much **_**you**_** anymore) needed air to breathe, we need each other, Bells. I watched you fall to pieces, and you never knew how much that hurt me, but I put you back together, you thanked me with your friendship, and we were even. But now, now you're watching me fall apart, and you know as well as I do that there is nothing in this world that can save me now. Did it eat you up inside? I've been there Bella; I know how much it hurts to see someone you care about so much slowly wilting. You may have come out the other side, but I can't now, Bells, and please don't let that get you down. **

**You told me something today Bella, and I bet you don't remember saying it. You told me, that I come 3****rd**** in your most important people list, above Charlie, and Renee, but there's something I don't understand, Bella, where do you come on this list? Nessie, Edward, Me…Do you not see just how wonderful you are? Take a look at yourself Bella, how many odds have you overcome? You don't see it, do you? Without you, Bella, I would have given up my fight months ago, so, re-write your list, and take yourself at face value, Bella. **

**I know I'll miss you, once I'm gone. But don't miss me; it's a waste of energy. But love me, please. Even if it's only a fraction as much as I love you.**

**I love you Bella, forever.**  
**Your version of forever, not mine**  
**Jake**  
**x**

Edward's POV

'Can, I just, have a minute?' Bella said between sobs, running up the stairs, like a bolt of lightning, clutching the second letter tightly to her chest like it was welded there. I'm still wary of whether these letters are such a good idea but I don't want to let Bella know that just yet, they are keeping her happy. _Happier anyway._ I could hear Nessie at the door; she knocked softly and ran over to me, an inquisitive look on her sweet face.

'Daddy, what's wrong with Mummy? Why is she upset?' Nessie said, her soprano voice breaking my heart. I sat her on my lap and she turned to look at me, a confused look on her face. She placed her small, warm hand to my face, replaying the image of Bella arriving home, the second letter clutched to her heart again, her body heaving with the tearless sobs.

'Do you remember your Jake?' I said, brushing her long hair out of her eyes, she nodded, a sad look in her eyes.

'Where did my Jacob go, Daddy? He never comes to see me anymore, does he not love me?' Her beautiful brown eyes were brimming with tears.

'Of course Jake still loves you, baby. He's gone to heaven, to live with the angels, that's why we don't see him anymore. But he still loves you, more than you will ever understand, Renesmee.'

'Is that why Mummy is sad? Because Jake is with the angels?'

'Yes, she misses him very much.'

'Why don't we tell her then; let's tell Mummy Jake is looking after us from heaven, I don't want her to be sad…' I smiled, sadly. I wish it were that easy…

'I think she knows, but she just wishes he was here still. If we give her time, she will be ok.'

'I wish he was still here, too. Daddy, will Jacob come back…'

'No, I'm sorry, Sweetheart.' Her eyes filled with tears and she looked down at her hands, tears dropping onto her lap. 'But, I love him…I don't want him to leave me, not forever, I love him…'

**Ok, so it's really short, but that last bit really broke my heart, Nessie is only a child and she lost her best friend. Hope you enjoyed it. Oh, by the way, my Beta, OhMyEdward472 is the best. Seriously. Please Review. Emily xxx **


	4. Hiatus Notice

**!!Hiatus Notice!!**

**I'm a bad, bad writer.**

**I would understand if you hate me forever.**

**Just letting you know, I've not given up, and, in fact I still feel very passionately about this Fic**

**I'm just going on Hiatus for a while, whilst I re-collect my thoughts and shit.**

**Give me a few more weeks, and you will get an Update. I hope.**

**It just takes a lot to get into this sad, broken mindset, when I am such a happy person lol**

**Thanks for your understanding.**

**I Love you all.**

**Emily**

**xxx**


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